Tuesday, December 15, 2015
I was doing fine. Spectacular actually. Until a friend asked how I was doing with the "2ww". And then I started symptom checking. And counting how many days until I get the blood pregnancy test. And then I started thinking. What if this month is a bust? What if it's not? Argh! The anxiety! And then I told myself to stop. So I did.
And then I went to the kitchen and ate half a box of Nilla Wafers.
*sigh* 6 more days.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
So here it is. We're trying again for another baby. I don't expect anyone to agree with our decision. In fact, some days I think we are plain nuts. But I've found God has an amazing way of softening my heart to the things he desires for me...if I let him.
This heart softening began several months ago. I just started to feel this longing for a brother for Emmett. I'd see brothers wherever I went. At first it was more of a "Oh that's so cute! Look at what great friends they are!" But it quickly moved on to "I really wish Emmett could have that." I mentioned my thoughts to Jorge one day and he surprised me by asking, why couldn't Emmett have that? And so the debate began.
Month after month I would initiate a discussion. There was always a reason we shouldn't try. And they were always really good and compelling reasons! What if we had another loss? What if I was as sick this time around? Is our house big enough for one more? Are our lives too full for one more? We'd go around and around debating every angle. And month after month it was the same conclusion. Jorge really wanted to try again and I just did not ever want to go through that again. And so Jorge would say it was my body and he loves me. And although he really wants another one, he would respect me and my choice. And that was that...until I brought it up again the next month. Clearly I wasn't settled with not having another.
And then I was listening to a talk at the Women's Broadcast and Heavenly Father touched my heart. I am terrified to be completely honest. My pregnancies are brutal. I wonder if my heart can handle another loss. But I know my life and my little family is in God's hands. He is the Master. He is in control. And when we follow Him and the promptings of the Spirit, we will never be led astray.
Stay tuned for the crazy and wild ride. Oi.