Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Pathway Forward

found on Pinterest here

No matter what stage in life I'm in, I typically find myself trying to rush through it all. I want to hurry and move on to the next thing. I spent most of my childhood impatiently waiting to be an adult. Most of high school spent wishing I was in college already and most of college longing to be married and start a family already.

These past 4 years dealing with loss and infertility and marital stress from it all have been a huge challenge. I often found myself begging Heavenly Father to change it all. I wanted to get through it and be beyond it already. I can't count how many nights I cried myself to sleep convinced I just must not be good enough because I wasn't getting the good things in life I wanted.

I often felt overwhelmed by the challenges I had to face in that difficult time period in life. I would cry out in despair and feel like God had forsaken me because it didn't magically change. I didn't get pregnant when I wanted to. I lost so many babies that were desperately wanted when I finally did conceive. My marriage was in a shambles from all the stress and loss and lack of partnership. Life was really, really hard.

But there was a turning point. After we lost Lydia, things began to turn around. It wasn't that things instantly got better. Life was still incredibly difficult, but I began to think about my life in the here & now. I stopped longing for things to be different or for time to magically move faster to get through the yucky stuff. I dealt with the issues. I mourned the loss of my babies and my marriage and the life I thought I wanted and deserved. And I began to pick up the pieces and start new. With the grace of the Father & the Atonement of our Savior, I was given another chance to be who They wanted me to be. And I was blessed. My family was blessed. My marriage was saved. I found a new peace and foundation that helps me get through the rough spots and navigate my pathway forward.

And there have been many rough spots still! I think sometimes we assume when we have blessings all the hard stuff is a thing of the past. But I have never found that to be the case. Blessings often come with the hard stuff intermingled throughout. But as we look to our Creator and practice faith in His plan for us, the hard stuff becomes easier to bear and the pathway becomes clearer.

"There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold. There may be times when we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up. If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe, then the Savior’s teachings and example will show us the pathway forward."
(Elder Whitney L. Clayton, Choose To Believe)

I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. I'm grateful that His plan included the trials I've experienced. It has changed me in ways I never thought possible. My life is so much better than what I could've done myself. And for the first time probably ever in my life I feel content in who I am becoming. I see the pathway I'm on and I like where it is heading. And that's a pretty awesome place to be.

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